Monday, August 7, 2017

Colloquium II: Theological Weather


Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Dispensationalist: Morning, afternoon or evening?

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Charismatic: If you need it changed, I’ll be happy to rebuke it.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

The Gospel Coalition: We’re not willing to allow such controversial questions.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Kevin DeYoung: Can you wait a bit? My 1799 brandy thermometer is a bit slow.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

John Piper: Unless you’re enjoying the weather, you’re doing it wrong.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Russell Moore: Probably racist.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Jemar Tisby: It's snowing, so it's definitely racist.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Wartburg Watcher: It mistreated me years ago and I just can't forgive it or move on.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Thom Rainer: I have 7 reasons it's in decline.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Mark Dever: I can up that to 9.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Amish Guy: As God wills. - said with a grimace

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Mennonite Guy: Whatever God wills. Here, let me turn the lights on. - face slightly less of a grimace than the Amish guy

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Rob Bell: It's God.
- thinking to himself, hmmm...new working book title

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Lutheran: If it's raining, it's regenerated weather.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Rod Dreher: Ignore Rob Bell, buy my book instead. The weather, you ask? What are my Options?

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Pyromaniacs: We’re closed.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Preterist: What weather? It already happened.

Inquirer: How’s the weather?

Calvinist: Well, frankly, this is going to take a while. It isn’t as simple as it appears. Really. You see... (3 hrs. later). So in the end, when you ask me, “how’s the weather”, all I can say is blame it on God, whatever it is. After all, he is in absolute total control of everything, right?


Hope you enjoyed the parody. Feel free to add you own. Cheerios.

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